Arnold
Tash Jayasinghe
CibbuanoBeing an AIG Executive is great!
November 17th 2008 01:25
American International Group (AIG) is one of the largest insurance companies in the world, and the 18th largest company in the world.
Being that big, there's nothing that can take them down. Nothing! NOTHING, you hear me!?!
They're huge and powerful, and they work hard for the money and they work 9 to 5, engaging in Risky Business, Takin' Care of Business, all to make that Money.
That's what I WANT.
I want to be an AIG Executive - who wouldn't? It's a world of irresponsible management, of faith in leverage and credit, the play of numbers to produce other numbers which allow me to buy Armani suits, Gucci sunglasses, cocaine and the company of dazed models.
I, too, want to engage in promiscuous business practises, and attend conferences in Arizona, where I'll be pampered in spas and massaged by giggling maids.
Ah, so what if AIG is in a little bit of financial trouble? We're too big to go under, so the American government will cover us with tax money. What do they care? They'll just print more, and, besides, the debt will only come back to haunt our grandchildren, and they're not even born yet. Tough for them. I'll have another lobster cocktail, thanks.
Besides, it's only $85 billion dollars... that's just $425 per American, not counting all those dirty illegal aliens, who should pony up a little, too. They're using our water, man.
So, big deal - $425 for you and me. That's essentially nothing. It's how much my haircut costs, or how much I bill for lunch when I treat senators to fancy lunches, where we laugh with caviar stuck in our teeth.
Except I'm not paying that $425 - no, I've got an army of accountants finding Bush-tax loopholes to ensure my share of that tax burden is frighteningly small. I'm too smart to pay it.
Well, I'm not smart enough yet - I still don't work for AIG, but I'm going to. What a dream! I used to want to be an astronaut, but that was too hard, and they have to learn about stupid stinky science.
Then I wanted to be a writer, but the ink stains ruin my french cuffs.
I thought about being a musician, but it involved learning how to play an instrument. I tried to hire an accountant to do it for me, but, shockingly, they were reluctant.
No, an AIG executive. The government bails you out after making spectacularly risky investments -and after all that, after all those horrible investments, you still get your big fat bonus.
AIG will pay $503 million in bonuses to top executives!
And we'll raise the bill to $152 billion for the bailout. C'mon, that's still just $760 per person - consider it a bargain!
Apply now at the AIG Job board!
*this image is from The View from the Press Box
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